As you may have read in my Days of Praise, today my heart has been quite heavy. I am pretty good at dealing with the burdens of life and having faith that God will take care of it all......but some days it is sooooo hard to see! Yesterday when I was visiting the nursing facility, one of my patients was in a common area of her hall. As we sat and talked, I realized her health had declined quite a bit since the last time I saw her. My heart was broken because as we talked her responses were more slow and labored than I have ever seen them. I asked her if she would like me to sing to her and responded quickly with a "YES". I started with Amazing Grace.....and she perked up a bit. We then went on to I'll Fly Away, Old Rugged Cross, and the In the Garden. I tried to sing quietly as to not disturb the others. I said goodbye and I was able to give her a kiss on the forehead and told her I loved her.....then started to leave. As I was walking over to the doorway a gentleman in a wheelchair said, "Ma'am, that was beautiful". The two ladies sitting at a table near him asked me if that was me singing and reiterated the same. I apologized for singing too loudly and they asked me to sing something with them. We sang a few songs and one of the ladies told me she wanted me to sing In the Garden at her funeral.....of course I am sure she was just talking, but I told them that next time I come I will bring a hymnal and we will sing together again. As I sit and reflect over the time I spent with them......I am left with something that has been tearing at my heart for years. I love to sing......it is in my blood.....it is in my heart.....it is in every fiber of my being, but why? At one point in my life I started to notice that my reasons for singing had got cloudy......and God took away my opportunity for almost 10 years! I NEVER want to sing for the wrong reasons and that is the reason I tried to sing so quietly. I long with everything that is in me to sing for the Lord, and sing a song that God has given me. I want to sing a song that comes from that place in my life that pours out of my heart.....the story of what God has done in me........and yet, it does not come. Maybe it is not my time.......maybe God has more story for me to tell that I have not lived yet.......maybe I am not at the place that I can be trusted to sing for exactly the right reason. I don't know........but I do know this, as much as I love to sing, I would rather never sing again than to not sing for the glory of God! God has given me such an incredible blessing by managing the band and for that I am so thankful! Being surrounded by music and singing is such a blessing to my heart! I pray that someday......God will give me a song from my heart.....that I might be able to give ALL HONOR, ALL GLORY AND ALL OF ME TO HIM!
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